My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)


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Things are just changing too quickly. If you can figure out how to get a reasonably accurate picture of the real career landscape out there, you have a massive edge over everyone else, most of whom will be using conventional wisdom as their instruction booklet. Pretty stressful, but also incredibly exciting. A career path is like a game board. This is promising news. If you simply understand what the game board really looks like and play by modern rules, you have a huge advantage.

And this brings us to you and your particular strengths. With enough time, could you get good enough at this game to potentially reach whatever your definition of success is in that career? The distance starts with where you are now—point A—and ends with you reaching your definition of success, which we can draw with a star. The length of the distance depends on where point A is how far along you are at the current moment and where the star is how lofty your definition of success is. But the game boards in less traditional careers often involve many more factors. Acting ability is only one piece of that puzzle—you also need a knack for getting yourself in front of people with power, a shrewdness for personal branding, an insane amount of optimism, a ridiculous amount of hustle and persistence, etc.

If you get good enough at that whole game—every component of it—your chances of becoming an A-list movie star are actually pretty high. So how do you figure out your chances of getting to any particular star? What makes someone slower or faster at improving at a career game? Your level of chefness.

Careers are complex games that almost everyone starts off bad at—then the chefs improve rapidly through a continual loop…. Your work ethic. This one is obvious. Someone who works on their career 60 hours a week, 50 weeks a year, is going to move down the path almost four times faster than someone who works 20 hours a week, 40 weeks a year. Someone who chooses a balanced lifestyle will move slower than a single-minded workaholic. Someone who frequently breaks from work to daydream or pick up their phone is going to get less done in each work hour than someone who practices deep focus.

Your natural abilities. Talent does matter. Smarter, more talented people will improve at a game at a faster rate than less naturally gifted people. But intelligence and talent are only two types of natural ability that come into play here.


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Depending on the type of career, social skills can be critically important as well. In many careers, likable or subtly manipulative people have a big advantage over less likable people—and those who enjoy socializing will put in more people hours over time, and build deeper relationships, than antisocial types.

Persistence is simpler than pace. A car going 30 mph that quits driving after 15 minutes gets a lot less far than a car that drives 10 mph for two hours. And this is why persistence is so important. A few years is just not enough time to traverse the typically long distances it takes to get to the raddest success stars, no matter how impressive your pace. Your Real Strengths and W eaknesses. When we list our strengths, we tend to list our areas of existing skill more than anything else.

Instead, strengths should be all about pace and persistence qualities. Originality or lack thereof should be a critical component of the discussion, making qualities like agility and humility trademark chef traits notable strengths, and qualities like stubbornness 8 or intellectual laziness classic cook traits important weaknesses. The subtleties of work ethic, like a knack for deep focus or a propensity to procrastinate, should also be a major part of the discussion, as should natural abilities beyond talent, like savvy and likability.

Qualities related to persistence, like resilience and determination and patience, should be thought of as promising strengths, while a social tentacle clamoring to appear successful as quickly as possible should be viewed as a bright red flag. This lesson applies to specific skills—but most general pace and persistence qualities can also be worked on and improved if you focus on them. This would be an impossibly big list, only ruling out paths that are clearly far too long for you to traverse at your maximum possible pace on the path like me chasing a career as an Olympic figure skater.

To complete our Reality Box audit with that caveat, we need to evaluate:. For those paths, evaluate your starting point, based on your current skills, resources, and connections relevant to that field. Think about end points and where on each line your star should be placed. Make an initial estimate for what your pace of improvement might be on these various game boards, based on your current pace-related strengths and how much you think you can improve at each of them in other words, how much your speed might be able to accelerate.

You take your game board and make it a line, you plot starting points and success stars that together generate the various distances in front of you, and for each, you multiply your pace by your level of persistence. A from-first-principles Reality Box audit may bring some overly optimistic people down to Earth, but I suspect that for most, an audit will leave them feeling like they have a lot more options than they realized, empowering them to set their sights on a bolder direction.

A good Reality Box reflection warrants yet another Want Box reflection. Reframing a bunch of career paths in your mind will affect your level of yearning for some of them. One career may seem less appealing after reminding yourself that it will entail thousands of hours of networking or multiple decades of pre-success struggle.

Another may seem less daunting after changing your mind about how much luck is actually involved.

The Narcissistic Mother II | Psychology Today

This brings us to the end of our long, two-part deep dive. After a fairly exhausting box-auditing process, we can return to our Venn 10 diagram. Assuming some things have changed, you have a new Option Pool to look at—a new list of options on the table that seem both desirable to your high-priority rankings and possible to achieve. If there had been a clear arrow on your map before your audit, check out your new Option Pool.

Remember, going from a false arrow to a question mark is always major progress in life. And actually, a new question mark implies having made the key cliff jump on two roller coasters: getting to know yourself and getting to know the world. Major step in the right direction. Cross out the arrow and join the question mark crowd. Now the question mark crowd has a tough choice.

You gotta pick one of the arrows in the Option Pool. Careers used to be kind of like a year tunnel. You picked your tunnel, and once you were in, that was that. You worked in that profession for 40 years or so before the tunnel spit you out on the other side into your retirement.

The truth is, careers have probably never really functioned like year-tunnels, they just seemed that way.

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At best, traditional careers of the past played out kind of like tunnels. But crusty old conventional wisdom has a lot of us still viewing things that way, which makes the already hard job of making big career path choices much harder. It enhances the delusion that what we do for work is a synonym for who we are, making a question mark on your map seem like an existential disaster. When you think of your career as a tunnel, the stakes to make the right choice seem so high that it explodes the feeling of tyranny of choice. For perfectionist types especially, this can be utterly paralyzing.

When you think of your career as a tunnel, you lose the courage to make a career switch, even when your soul is begging for it.


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  5. It makes switching careers feel incredibly risky and embarrassing, and it suggests that someone who does so is a failure. But conventional wisdom still tells many of us that careers are tunnels. And of course, that landscape—and those game boards—will have themselves evolved.


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    Popular psychologist Dan Gilbert also eloquently describes just how bad we are at predicting what will make us happy in the future. Pretending you can figure out what dot 2 or 4 or 8 should be now is laughable. Future dots are the worry of a future, wiser you living in a future world.

    Dot 1 is your chance to test it out. Hypothesis testing is intuitive in the dating world. You have to get some experience dating this person to learn what you need to learn to make that decision.

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    We can all agree that this hypothetical friend is pretty nuts and is lacking a fundamental understanding of how you find a happy relationship. Reframing your next major career decision as a far lower-stakes choice makes the number of options exciting, not stressful. And now you have to actually make the move. The Yearning Octopus can help. As we discussed earlier, your behavior at any given point simply displays the configuration of your octopus. Your conscious mind may have tried to assign lower shelf ratings to the parts of your octopus that lean towards inertia, but your yearnings have rebelled.

    To fix this problem, think like a kindergarten teacher. In your class, a faction of the 5-year-olds is rebelling against your wishes. What do you do? Go talk to the 5-year-olds that are causing the trouble. Describe to them the insights you gained from your Reality Box reflection. Remind them about how connecting the dots works and about the chillness of dot 1. Until you do, your life will be run by a bunch of primitive, short-sighted 5-year-olds, and your whole shit will suck. Trust me, I know.

    When he was a child, books were gifts. For his daughters, he made sure they were a given.

    Jumping to a new dot is a liberating feeling, usually side by side with some substantial internal havoc. The whining octopus is a reminder of why pure, elated happiness is never a reasonable goal. The times you feel pure happiness are temporary, drug-induced delusions—like the honeymoon phase of a new relationship or new job or the high following a long-awaited success.

    Chasing happiness is an amateur move. Feeling contentment in those times when your choices and your circumstances have combined to pull it off, and knowing you have all that you could ever ask for, is for the wise. For a while, you can just live. As far as you know, you might be Michael Jordan holding his first basketball, so start playing.

    At some point, your good feelings about the macro picture may sour. This is the mission-enhancing type of dot jump. A mission-changing dot jump may be in order, but depending on which parts of you are asking for it, it may also be the wrong move. The people on the left side of this spectrum are jump-shy. The cement-footed. Their pitfall is staying way too long in the wrong things.

    This is why these internal frameworks are important. They give you the ability to analyze the source of your impulses. In our example, the question is whether your impulse to jump missions is the result of genuine evolution or quick-quitter bias. So think about your diagram.

    Is your restlessness just the expected incessant whining of an octopus still correctly configured? Or have you learned new information about yourself or the world during the trudge that has corrected some off-base initial assumptions? Above all, accept the terrible truth — it's time for you to run away from home. Sadly, for them, this was markedly less disturbing than their ensuing pretension. Other than that, do they seriously think anyone cares? I liked sometime band KLF's infamous burning of a million quid, but it was still funny to hear how some of the "media representatives" entrusted to lay cash on the pyre ran off to the pub with it instead.

    Truth is, most people are too far removed from Birkin bags and millions of pounds to become emotionally unsettled by their destruction. Stephen King has opted to initially publish his new book, Joyland , in print format only, despite having been an ebook pioneer with 's Riding the Bullet. Meanwhile, in Hay-on-Wye, bookshop owner Derek Addyman wants Kindles and e-readers banned from the literary festival, saying that users are "like robots". To this end, he's erected a window display featuring a Kindle with a tombstone next to it.

    Yeah, in your face, electronic reader devils! To a degree, I sympathise with this uprising of the literary luddites. I like a real book and the Kindle looks a bit too much like a grown-up Etch A Sketch. Then again, people who use them love them and what's really so bad about building a hinterland via a mains-charged Etch A Sketch, with print-enlarging feature?

    What I don't understand is why e-readers suffer constant harangues for being the death of literature. I'd have thought that books were the real culprits. From what I can glean, it's difficult to share books on Kindle; mostly, everyone has to buy their own copy, which surely neutralises any initial difference in price.

    By contrast, books can be shared into infinity. Some people even dump them on public transport for strangers to read "Excuse me, I believe you just sat on a Margaret Drabble". Then everyone wonders why so many writers are broke and must dine forlornly on beans in cans or on canapes at launches of books written by more successful authors they've just spent all afternoon anonymously slagging off on Amazon. Either way, there's no need for techno-panic.

    Just as with the music industry and vinyl, paper books will never be allowed to die. Maybe Hay-on-Wye booksellers could adapt their shops to include both real books and discreet downloading terminals. But then, anti-materialist gestures have a habit of imploding. What a novel way of selling Stephen King's new novel Stephen King has opted to initially publish his new book, Joyland , in print format only, despite having been an ebook pioneer with 's Riding the Bullet.

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    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)
    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)
    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)
    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)
    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)
    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)
    My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2) My Dad Moved Out (Help me...Help you series Book 2)

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